i know they never said it would be easy

but sometimes i wish life wouldn’t keep throwing me one hardball after another, especially when they all seem to smack me in the head when i’m down on the ground already.

i’ve posted some news about the mai ougi up over on the cirque de fantomes news site – see post here

but i’m about to take one of my lovely little ferrets to a specialist several cities over tomorrow to *hopefully* get the final answer on his health. which means i need to find a way to come up with several hundred more dollars out of thin air.

i worry that what i do isn’t interesting to people and that’s why i never get much notice. i start to doubt what i’m making, start doubting my abilities, about whether or not i’m just deluding myself in thinking i can be an artist.

i know that this is common among artists, but how do you work past it? or is it worth working past? if all i seem to be worth are a few kind words from well meaning people, am i in the wrong line of work? i wish our world wasn’t so dependent on money and material things, but i feel like i’m not able to fully explore my ideas or skills when i’m trying to chase down what will sell.

i had hoped something like the mai ougi would attract attention, but the pessimist inside me says no one will like her, like so many of my past ideas that never panned out. when does someone say this failure is the last one and no more?

i don’t think failures make you stronger, they simply make cracks that can break open at any time and destroy you if you don’t have something to keep you together. and unfortunately, i can’t seem to find that something anymore. ever since i was little, i looked to the dark for my muses – i used to believe that the boogeyman was my friend who would protect me from the real evil out thereā€¦ and now i feel like as i’ve gotten older, i’ve lost that ability to see the creatures in the darkness and i’ve been feeling lost without them.

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