end of another year

and the breaking of another timeline and promises of finishing my work…. seems i excel at broken dreams – though this time some of it is not my fault….

after xmas, i have had no energy and my vision was slightly blurry from stress (and a sinus infection draining me… )

i think about trying to set new goals for myself, but i’m so easily distracted when i’m stressed. i’ve been working a lot on my other dolls instead of molding my mini girl – in large part because i’m terrified of messing up again. but my artistic pride and motherly feelings towards my sculpts make me stubborn about not sending them away to someone else to mold and cast. i want to have my hands on every process, and my bull-headednesses is making me determined to solve the problems. i’ve always loved puzzles, and that’s what this is.

i’m hoping an upcoming visit from my mom will help me regain focus – i really need to get over this block so i can reach my dreams of being a doll-maker. but sadly, i’ve also been watching other people create beautiful dolls better than mine…. or i’ve been seeing people come up with these amazing character sketches and i look at my barely scribbled things – physical pain has made drawing difficult – and i just want to curl up in a cry.

why are artists so insecure? it can’t be just me that’s got low/no self confidence – right? i know the right thing is to push through it and keep at it, getting better and better – but i feel overwhelmed with real life and i just…. shut down.

i have a therapist i see in real life, and i’ve talked with her some about it – but it’s never hit so hard as it has this last week. i’ve also been focused on finding my direction in life. i have ideas, but how to work towards them can be hard to envision.

okay – enough of that….. another end of year rant i’m afraid….

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